Starting over...

Sorry I forgot to log in last week and update!

I really cannot remember what my numbers were for last week, but I can update what was this week!
1. September 27, 2010 - start week 18
2. -3.6 pounds
3. 16.4 pounds lost total
4. Current weight: 174.4

I've been able to maintain my weight within 1-2 lbs for a month! Woohoo! To me, it's a really big accomplishment!

I've also been able to stave off the gorging while studying over the last two weeks, so I'm also pretty proud of that!

I don't really have much interesting to say today, it's been a rather uneventful couple of weeks... Maybe I'll cause some trouble this weekend so I have something to report back on Monday!

Oh, and super exciting news? I HAVE NO CLOTHING THAT FITS!!!! Looks like I have to go shopping!! Hmmm.... now where can I get some $$ for that? I've been living in track pants and scrubs simply because they have drawstrings! :)

The Stress Monster is Back.

I did weigh in this past week, but I forgot to blog... So here we go:
1. September 13, 2010 - start week 16
2. +2.2 pounds
3. 12.8 pounds lost total
4. Current weight: 178.0

Yeah, the stress of school is taking a bit of a toll. and being sick didn't help too much either... Oh well, tomorrow's another day!

I just got an interesting phone call...

I was supposed to start my Bridal Bootcamp tomorrow, and someone from the fitness center just called me. Apparently, I was the only person who signed up! Seriously? Then she tells me that they are going to cancel the class because they can't run it with just one person.

I'm thinking, sure you can! It's called personal training!! Alas, no such luck.

But she had an offer for me. She runs a class that is similar to the Bridal Bootcamp and even though I don't actually "qualify" to take this class, she felt bad and wanted to bend the rules so that I could take the class.

So on Tuesday, I'm starting Mommy Bootcamp.

Hey, at least it's a bootcamp of some sort! :)

Yeah, I had Hagaan Dasz for dinner... you got a problem with that?

This week has been interesting, to say the least. Apparently, it wasn't enough that I was starting classes again, but the universe decided to throw a cold at me too. Well, since I haven't been sick in over 3 years, I guess I was due...

Here's my rule of thumb: when you're sick, calories don't count. Eat what you can, when you can.

So while I haven't been binging per se, I have been eating pretty much what I wanted. Yes, I really did have ice cream for dinner for a couple days. And no, I don't feel bad about it.

Yesterday, after being cooped up in the house for a few days, I decided I needed to get out, no matter how crappy I felt. It was Labor Day, and since stores have sales, I went to Kohls' to see if I could find a second pair of jeans (I currently only have 1 pair that fits). In the fitting room, I had 2 pairs of Levi's, size 14 and size 12. I mostly grabbed the 12s to see how far I was from closing them.

I put on the 14s and they fit great on the waist. They were tight on the thigh, but that's what boot cut does no matter what size. I figured there was no point in trying on the 12s since there was little hope that I would get them up over my waist. I put on a couple shirts that I liked too and the larges were WAAAAAY too big! Bonus! So I was quite happy with being in size 14 jeans and having to buy medium shirts! Then I turned around. The size 14 jeans were still on the hanger.

"Did I bring in 2 size 14s??"

I furiously searched the jeans I was wearing to find the tag inside the pants (I don't trust the hanging tags).

Size 12.

Holy crap! I actually had to sit there for a second and process this. I was wearing a size 12 again. That did not compute! Just 3 months ago I was tight in size 16s, and now I'm in a 12???

My brain said "you should buy them because they're a size 12." I stood up and looked closely in the mirror to see how the jeans actually looked on me. While I would love to say that I looked fantastic in them, I can't. Bootcut jeans just make me look like I have an hourglass figure in my legs. I already have that figure on top, I don't need to add more curves at my knees and ankles, thank you very much. They were faded across the butt, with really big pockets, so they made my butt look big and my hips look funny.

I thought "I'm not going to buy them just because they're a size 12. They don't look good and make me look bigger than I am."

I happily put them back on the rack, exchanged the shirts for mediums and picked up a sweater I was eyeing instead.

I was thrilled to be in a size 12, but now I need to find the right cut of jeans. I am not working my flabby gut off to look bad in clothing that has a small tag size! I want to show off all my hard work in a positive way. No one sees the tag size but me anyway, so the number doesn't matter, it's how I look.

When I got home and stepped on the scale, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I didn't do any lasting damage while sick!

1. September 6, 2010 - start week 15
2. +.4 pounds
3. 15.0 pounds lost total
4. Current weight: 175.8

And today I signed up for Bridal Bootcamp, starting on the 20th! 10 weeks, 3 times a week! By Halloween, I'll be laughing at the size 12s!

3 Months Done!

Wow. I just re-read my first blog entry. I can honestly say that I barely remember how I was feeling. I know I was frustrated and ashamed, but you know how you can remember feelings? I can't re-feel what I was dealing with! In a good way.

While I know I am only partway through my journey, I feel amazing about where I am already. The pride I now feel when I look at myself in the mirror is something I have never felt before!

I had a lot of plans to go out with friends this past week, and in the past I would always find an excuse to not go. Truth be told, I just didn't want anyone to see me. I was ashamed and hated having to pretend to be having a good time when I would just rather be hiding in a corner. This week, I had SO MUCH FUN figuring out what to wear to see everyone!

I even bought new jeans, a size 14 (they fit beautifully, if not a little big). I was most excited that they weren't boot cut! Why on earth people think that adding more fabric on the bottom of the jeans "balances out" curvier girls I will never know! I got straight leg jeans and I look another 10 pounds lighter! My shoes are even getting big on me! I didn't even know my feet had gotten fat!!

I saw some girls from school the other day, and I haven't seen them since I was 195lbs. One of them even said to me that she could see the difference in my face! Hooray! I have a jawline and cheekbones again!

I have lost over 8 inches in total from all over my body! I have achieved my goal for this summer; wear short shorts in public and feel comfortable! I tried on some more wedding dresses and actually looked forward to it! :)

Even on days when I don't write down everything I've eaten, I'm still making the better choices and keeping track of it in my head. Except for last night when I turned into Cookie Monster and had my Festival of Shame on the couch. But I don't feel bad about it because I don't eat like that at all anymore, so one night of crazed, frenzied eating isn't going to kill me!

Now I'm starting a new chapter; back to school. As long as I can stay prepared and organized, I wouldn't have too much trouble staying on track! But I need to get moving more...

My end of summer numbers:
1. August 30, 2010 - start week 14
2. -2.6 pounds
3. 15.4 pounds lost total
4. Current weight: 175.4

Since starting WW in June, I have lost 15.4 pounds! Only 3.6 lbs from my 10% target! But, when I took my finals at the beginning of May, I was 195 lbs... so I can honestly and proudly say: I HAVE LOST 20 FREAKIN' POUNDS!!!!!!! Holy crap!!!

A New (albeit disgusting) milestone!

Yesterday I was toying with the idea of going for a run. I haven't done that in a while so it seemed like a good idea. Alas, my running shoes were in The Hunnie's car and he was at work. Oh shucks. So I happily loafed on the couch killing brain cells with truly terrible television.

Today, just as I was making a nest on the couch for Truly Terrible Television: Day Two, The Hunnie came home and wanted to play XBox. I acquiesced and had a brilliant stroke of genius: I'll go for a run while he plays his game!  Before I could talk myself out of it, I changed and headed to the gym.

I decided it would be a brilliant idea to see how far I could push myself. I was feeling brave. Hell, I was wearing my short shorts and a tight running top! I looked like a runner, ergo I could be a runner!

Turns out, my quasi-logic was flawed, to say the least.

It started out good, simple warm up and started running at a brisk clip.

"Hmmm... I wonder how long I can keep running for?"

After 4 1/2 minutes, the sweat was pouring down my face. I hate to sweat. Ew. But I persevered and picked up the pace after 90 seconds.

5 more minutes goes by. I have lost all feeling in my face. And I'm dizzy. But, I've run a half mile straight in 5 minutes! Hooray!!  Hmmm.... Am I breathing anymore?

Okay, slow it down.

Time elapses and I have no idea what happened during these 10 minutes...

I regain mental focus and realize that I'm still running. That's a good sign, right? I decide that I've done really well and can just walk the rest of my time on the treadmill.

Just then, my new favorite empowering song comes on my iPod.

"I can do it. Just run for this whole song and you'll be done. The timing is perfect."

Just as the song is finishing, my stomach doesn't feel right. Uh oh. I think I'm going to throw up. I slow down, a lot, and attempt the 5 minute cool down process. Nope. That's not helping.  I stop completely, and take some deep breaths. Nope. Not helping either.

I can run to the bathroom right now and throw up, and lose my pride in the process... or, I can suck it up, walk the block home and if need be, leave my pride behind a bush. I chose the latter.

Fortunately, I was able to make it home with my pride still in my stomach and with 2 miles under my belt!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lay on the floor of the bathroom, as "my pride" is still not settled...

Moral of today's story?
 ~If The Hunnie wants to play his XBox while you are watching bad TV, buy a second TV and ignore the instinct to pretend you are Marion Jones.

Liposuction is sounding easier....

This last week, while a crap ton of fun, was not the best for my "bottom" line. I decided to pack as much fun as possible into 3 days, and much fun was had. But here is the age old question: how do you have fun without beer and crappy food??

I don't drink often anymore (too expensive and I'm just too damn busy), but I do enjoy a good cocktail when I get the chance. And this week, the opportunity presented itself on a fairly regular basis! So I threw caution to the wind and indulged in cocktails, pizza, mac n cheese, Italian beefs, fries, chocolate hazelnut gelato, real soda and of course, bacon. And now I am paying the price. I'm up from last week, and while it's not detrimental to my overall goals, it's screwing with my head! I feel like all I should be eating is water and lettuce this week to make up for it! I know how insane that sounds, but that's the truth!

After eating that delicious crap this week, I'm finding it really difficult to get back on track this week. All I can think about is eating more crap food! *sigh* And I can hear a voice telling me to give in to the glorious, greasy gluttony.

At one time, this was a self-defeating circle of hell, but I'm fighting to change that!

So far:
1. August 23, 2010 - start week 13
2. +2.0 pounds (I really hate that + sign...)
3. 12.8 pounds lost total
4. Current weight:  178.0

I'm off to eat a healthy dinner with the hunny!

I need to get better about updating...

It has been a little crazy for me lately, but I have managed to stay on track and keep weighing in!

Yesterday, before heading to weigh in, I realized that I have a pretty good grip on WW. I've gone for 10 weeks, weighing in and getting all the adivce and little weekly booklets, and I feel really confident in my abilities. I'm able to control myself, and to recognize what I should be eating and why I crave crap food sometimes.

In the last 2 weeks I have had some of my favorite foods, and you know what? I got really sick after eating them! I felt like crap after eating Wendy's, I thought I was going to throw up after the pizza. The Chinese food didn't bother me (good, because I LOVE Chinese food!!), but I also didn't eat much of it and I had loaded my plate with the less greasy foods.

I actually look forward to going to the market to try new veggies and fruits! I am realizing now just how efficient of a machine your body is once you put the proper fuel in it!

I am a little nervous about starting back at school next week, but I know that I can count on my girls there to help me stay away from the crap on campus! I really need to focus and make sure I pack a lunch from home so that I can still control what I'm eating.

My last weight update was from July 23rd, so here are the last 3 weeks (I'm just adding it all together):

1. August 16, 2010 - start week 12
2. -3.6 pounds
3. 14.8 pounds lost total!!
4. Current weight:  176.0

I really just might be able to hit my goal of 19 lbs by the end of August!!  I am so proud of myself!

The only bad thing about all this, is I have dropped over an entire size (I'm between a 12 and 14 now), and I have NOTHING that fits!  While that sounds like a good thing, it's really not because I don't have the money to go out and buy clothes that won't fit me in a month... So if any of my friends have size 12/14 clothing that they'd like to get rid of, I will happily take it!

And to my friends who are doing this with me - Keep going!  If I can do it and succeed, than you can too!  Cheers to our healthy new outlook on life!

A River of Tears

After my last post, I hopped in my car and excitedly drove to weigh in. I knew I had lost weight, I could just feel it, and I was really happy.

Little did I know what the scale would show.

When I stood on the scale, and saw the numbers, I started crying. The WW lady came around and hugged me, because I was crying so hard.

Here's why I was crying:

1. July 23, 2010 - start week 8
2. -2.6 pounds this week
3. 11.2 pounds lost total
4. Current weight:  179.6

Not only did I lose weight, but I hit my first target; 5% loss! My 5% target was 10 lbs, so not only did I achieve it, but I blew past it! I haven't seen the 170's in about a year and a half. And in 7 weeks, I'm back there! If I can keep this up, I might make my 10% target (19 lbs) by the end of August, and I can hit my ultimate goal by the end of the year!

I cried almost the entire way home because of how happy I was to see that number, but also how proud I am for sticking to this. I am finally saying goodbye to the Fat Girl, the one in my head and the one in the mirror.

Oops!

Okay, I forgot to blog last week about my weigh in. Oopsie!

As I stated before, we did have a death in the family. So through all the events that surrounded that, I was not paying too much attention to what I was eating. To be fair, I was pretty distracted.

So when I went for my weigh in last week, it did not come as a big surprise that I did not lose any weight. I went up .2 lbs, so in the grand scheme of things, that is not even a blip on the radar. It was probably due to the fact that I was drinking regular soda and was most likely retaining water, and the fact that I didn't work or exercise. All in all, it could have been much worse, so I'm pleased.

I'm heading out the door in a few minutes for my next weigh in. I'm hoping this week went better, seeing as I've been keeping my food journal and paying attention to what I've been eating.

So last week's numbers:

1. July 16, 2010 - start week 7
2. +.2 pounds this week
3. 8.6 pounds lost total
4. Current weight:  182.2


Yesterday I decided to try on some clothes that I wore before I started WW. I was especially interested to try on the dress I wore to my best friends wedding, just 4 days before starting WW. I was actively in tears (of joy!) because when I put it on, I was swimming in it! I can grab a handful of material on the waist!! I measured my waist and am down 1.5" in 2 weeks!!!  HOLY CRAP!!!  I also was able to fit into clothes that I haven't worn in a minimum of 6-8 months!!  And because of that, I have never been this excited to go out and step on a scale in public!


Also, the hunnie just came in and told me that he's down about 6 lbs in 2 weeks!  He's been put on WW and just doesn't know it yet... teehee... hey, he eats what I cook, and I cook what's WW friendly! :)

Belated Update...

Sorry about the lateness of my posting, but there has been a death in my family this past weekend, so I've been a bit preoccupied...

For the last couple weeks, I haven't been writing down everything I'm eating. In fact, I'm not writing down anything at all. *hangs head in shame*  But I am keeping track mentally of what I'm eating, and I think making decent choices (hey, I only ate some of the french fries!). Alas, I need to get back to journaling because it really was helping me. I'm starting to find myself rewarding good food/exercise choices with junk food. Not good. I must stop.

Work has been my saving grace (sort of). I haven't been exercising like I was 2 weeks ago, but I'm still on my feet running around for 8-10 hours 4 days a week, so that's better than nothing. But still, if I were at the gym on just those other 3 days a week, that would be better. I am starting to feel guilty about not going to the gym, or even out for a walk. Especially because we've picked a date for the 5k and I've got to get in shape!  I would love to be able to run the whole thing, but I'm being realistic and just don't want to walk the whole thing.

And it's been difficult because I haven't been able to get to the store yet (combination of time constraints and lack of funds), so I'm just kind of eating what we've got. I am noticing that I'm getting fuller A LOT faster, and have no problems with keeping my portions small.  The biggest challenge has been eating lunch at work. I've been going to the cafeteria, and it's hard to make good decisions when you can smell the griddle and deep fryer. I've started going to the other cafe instead, which has none of those things, and a lot more salad choices.

So, with that said, we are off the the grocery store (FINALLY!) and here are last week's numbers:

1. July 9, 2010 - start week 6
2. 1.4 pound lost this week
3. 8.8 pounds lost total!
4. Current weight:  182.0!
*hoping to hit the 10lb mark this week!!!

Bonus this week: I went back to Old Navy, and I fit into a size 14 in 3 different styles of pants! I've lost 1.5 inches off my waist and a total of 3.25 inches overall!!

Keep the fridge stocked.

While trying to become nocturnal yesterday (I have to work overnights for the next couple days), I noticed I was eating because I was really, really bored. The only problem being, I haven't gone to the store in a few days, so I didn't have my usual mindless snacking foods. So what did I eat, you ask? Everything. Anything I could get my hands onto. By the time I realized what I was doing, it was 2 am, and I was so exhausted I decided well, I have to stay up a bit more, so I'll just have a bagel. With butter. Lots of butter. And a soda.

Ugh.

I would go to the store right now, but it's the 4th of July, and I have no idea if any grocery stores are even open.  My only hope is to distract myself with something to do before I binge again!

Maybe I'll go for a run. Or clean the house. I don't know.

Happy 4th of July everyone!

I guess I can have my cake and eat it too.

After a crazy busy birthday weekend, I was really nervous about my weigh in yesterday. I didn't eat the healthiest, I didn't track my points, and I drank a fair amount of alcohol. So I had resigned myself to the idea that I probably wasn't going to lose much weight this week.

I actually found more pleasure in having a bit of everything that was offered at the party, instead of having huge helpings of my favorites and then wallowing in my own piggy-ness.

Although, since I'm being honest... after I weighed in yesterday and went to work, I had sausage pizza for dinner and two brownies at home. Oh, and a real A&W root beer (man that was tasty!). I thought I was going to be sick. So much sugar left me feeling pretty vomitous. Ugh. Lesson learned.

So for now, I've learned a couple lessons: eating samples of everything on a buffet = not that bad. Eating a LOT of sugar = feeling gross.

1. July 1, 2010 - start week 5
2. 1 pound lost this week
3. 7.4 pounds lost total!
4. Current weight:  183.4

And I realized that I weighed 195 lbs during my finals week (the beginning of May)!  So, I've lost a grand total so far of 12 pounds!  Woohoo!!!

End of Week 3; Beginning of 3rd Decade

This was a tough week for me emotionally. I'm kinda freaked out about turning 30 on Friday. I wanted to get a new dress or something really cute to wear (shopping usually calms me down). I went to 5 different stores and tried on at least 30 dresses only to discover that I'm in an awkward stage; I'm in between sizes. The mediums were just a touch too small and the larges were like moo moos on me. I don't really care about the size (I can cut the tag off if it bothers me that much), but what I was getting frustrated at is that two items (capri jeans and a skirt), from the same manufacturer (Old Navy), in the same size (yeah, I'm not saying that number), were completely different fits!  The skirt was too big in the waist and too tight on the thighs (how in the hell does that happen!?  Who has a bigger waist than their thighs!?) and the capris wouldn't even come up over my hips! [insert confused Scooby Doo noise]

I came home, very frustrated to say the least. I calmed myself down by reminding myself that my body isn't the problem, it's the fucking manufacturers.  I can understand that the sizes differ from one designer to the next, but within the same company??  That is just ridiculous! 

I went out again yesterday, and tried on more dresses and clothes.  I wasn't terribly upset in the fitting room, but I made a very important discovery: paisley print + size D chest = BAD IDEA!  They were like freakin' amoebas on steroids!! 

I found a cute skirt, a pair of shorts and a couple tops.  I went to the bra department to treat myself to a new bra, and every freaking bra was a padded one that "maximizes your cleavage!"  Yeah, I don't need any help in that department, thank you. I asked the sales girls (skinny and flat chested) if there were any bras that weren't padded. Her response was "not really, I mean we have those big Bali's over there that aren't padded but those are for, like, really big boobs." [insert teeth grinding].

I didn't buy a new bra, but I bought the other clothes. When I came home, all excited (I'd mentally killed the Skinny Lingerie Idiot), I tried the clothes on and nearly cried, yet again. Aren't you supposed to look better in your own mirror without the fluorescent lighting? Everything I tried on again, that looked good 30 minutes ago, looked awful. I'm still not sure if that was my mind playing tricks on me or if it was reality, either way, I took the clothes off and marched straight to the fridge.

I found myself sinking into an old pattern, and was actually conscious of what I was doing! Fortunately, I don't have any really crappy, instant food in the house anymore, so I wasn't able to do too much damage. I was able to shut up the voice that told me to "go ahead and get some McDonald's, you'll feel better," and I called my sister, who is well versed in my meltdowns and knows how to handle me.

To make matters worse, when I was hanging up the clothes, I whacked my ankle on the bed frame really hard and it was swollen.  Great, now I'm in pain physically and emotionally.  Yipee.

I stayed home, no run for obvious reasons, and I made a healthy dinner and had my WW ice cream to cheer me up. I knew I had to weigh in today, so I made sure I didn't blow it. While I don't feel good exactly, I feel good about the choices I made yesterday, and the fact that I'm recognizing my emotional eating behaviors.

So for today's lucky numbers:
1. June 23, 2010 - start week 4
2. 1.2 pounds lost this week
3. 6.4 pounds lost total!
4. Current weight:  184.4

On a brighter note, my ankle feels better, and I'm off for a run!

A Change in My Demeanor

I woke up this morning and realized that my thighs are still tight and my hamstrings are still very sore from the run the other day. I made my coffee and hobbled around the apartment resembling Quasimodo.

I thought, "well, I am in a fair amount of pain, and I'm supposed to work anyway tonight, so I guess as long as they don't call me and tell me not to come in, then I can skip the run today."

Then the phone rang.

Crap.

I don't have to go into work.  

Double crap!

Now I have to go for a run.

A few weeks ago (ok, to be honest, just last week), I would have just told myself to give one more day to rest the muscles and then I'd go again tomorrow, or if not tomorrow, at least the next day I had off work. Today, I changed my behavior. Much to my chagrin, I went on the Dreadmill and did workout #2.

I'm pleased with myself. I still hurt though. Aaaah... The joy that is ibuprofen.

Did I just actually enjoy that?!

After some serious facebooking last night, a group of friends and I have decided to challenge ourselves and run a 5k at the end of the summer. I know that is only 3.something miles, and that I walk more than that during one shift at work, but still...  I'm not a runner. I've never been a runner. Runners actually confuse me.

But secretly, I've always wanted to be one.

I've been reading up on the Couch to 5k training program, and it doesn't seem that bad!  And now that we are actually looking for a 5k and some good friends are doing the program too, I decided to go for it.  Today's run was a 5 min warm up then alternating 60sec run with 90 sec walk for 20 min, then a 5 min cool down.

Holy crap!  I haven't sweat that much since I was still dancing!  I kept an even paced breath so as not to fall over, fly off the treadmill and lay on the floor gasping for oxygen. One thing keeping me going was the thought that while they weren't with me, a bunch of my friends are doing the exact same thing I am!

At about min 19, it was almost time to switch back to running, and I noticed I was feeling woozy. I had to hold on to the handrails because I seriously thought I was going to fall. 20 minutes hit and it was time to run again. I told myself I was not giving up and starting running. The dizziness faded fast and i found myself SMILING!!  WTF?!  I got this burst of endorphins and breezed through the last 5 minutes! Was that the famed Runner's High?  Not ever having one, I don't know. But since I was not really out of breath or even panting, I can only assume it wasn't oxygen deprivation...

My legs were a little wobbly on the walk home from the gym, but it wasn't that bad.  I had no problem resuming my normal respiration rate and my heart didn't feel like it was on it's last legs.

Here's the funny part: not only did I want to do more than 30 minutes, but I'm actually looking forward to going back on Saturday for Round 2!

I have no idea who this runner inside me is, but I'm pretty glad she's decided to join the party!

Weekly Update!

After a rather emotional week, full of ups, downs, and a free candy bar, I had to go and weigh in.

Normally when I weigh in, I'm in scrubs on my way to work; today I'm wearing jeans. I slept at my parents house last night and I was not going to be home before the weigh in, so I stole a pair of my mom's pj pants. I changed in the bathroom at WW and the ladies and I had a really good laugh and me, in a hot pink shirt with lavender pants with purple and navy stripes!  I said "I'm not stepping on that scale and have my pants throw off my weight!" 

So here they are, your weekly numbers and my small victories:

1. June 16, 2010 - start week 3
2. 1.8 pounds lost this week
3. 5.2 pounds lost total!
4. Current weight:  185.6
*added bonus this week: I fit into a size M tee shirt!

Who knew that actually dealing with your emotions instead of climbing into the fridge, actually works?!

I'm starting to feel better, but I'm still hungry...

The last couple days have been hard; not only did I have an emotional tailspin on Wednesday (which I totally recovered from the next morning) but I have been so sick these last two days. To put it politely, every time I ingested something, it almost immediately came out. I don't think I've eaten anything that would upset me, but K's been having stomach issues too, so it's probably just a bug. But man, does it suck.

I've been trying to eat (a lot) because I'm hungry! I'm having stomach pains when I eat, and when I don't eat too!  Yay.


Nevertheless, I'm staying within my points, and trying to eat and just sleep it off.  I feel bad because I was incredibly grumpy at work today (it's hard to be happy when your hurting and hungry), but I survived, and they let me go early!  I came home, ate my dinner and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

It's times like this, I smile and think of the line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm only one good stomach bug away from my goal weight!"

Hard to break the cycle...

While yesterday started off really good, it took a bad turn later in the day. I saw some very recent pictures of me, and I was horrified. All I can see is how huge I look in every picture. I tried to focus on my face, hoping to at least like some of the pictures, but all that did was make me realize how fat my face it. All I see is a double chin, flabby arms and a big stomach.

And what did I do?  I immediately walked from the computer to the fridge. I talked myself into eating to make me feel better. Oddly, my sister and I were just talking about that during the afternoon; about how we both turn to food for comfort and that is the hardest part of losing weight and keeping it off. I need to find a better way to handle this. As I was eating the giant bagel, I kept thinking I shouldn't be eating this, I should go for a walk to clear my head. One part of me was saying "if you don't like how you look in those pics, then exercise so you won't look like that anymore" while another part was saying "just go ahead and eat, it'll make you feel better."

And the eating did not stop. I was feeling sick to my stomach, but I kept eating because I was hoping that at some point, it would make me feel better. All it did was upset me further and distend my stomach. At least I had the sense not to go to the grocery store while that upset.
 
Alas, today is another day, and another chance to make better choices. 

The Results Are In!

As promised, I would write after each weigh in! 

The results:

1. June 9, 2010 - start week 2
2. 3.4 pounds lost this week!
3. 3.4 pounds lost total
4. Current weight:  187.4

Woohoo!!  Feelin' pretty good!  Now, what do I have for lunch...?

If you throw it up, do you get the points back?

I think the reason I have been able to happily stay within my point range is because I've been working. Yesterday was my first day off since re-joining WW, and it was a bit tricky, but I was able to do great!  I just had to find things to do to keep me busy and to keep me away from the fridge! 

Late last night, I realized that I was actually looking and feeling slimmer, even though I know I cannot possibly have lost that much weight. Even the hubby agreed that my stomach just seemed flatter!  Weird! 

This morning I felt great, had my usual cheerios and coffee (not together, of course), and made my lunch for work. About 10 min before I was to leave for work, they called and I was not needed, so I got the night off.  We decided to go to the pool instead. By the time we got changed and were literally walking out the door, the sky opened up. Oh well. We went to the mall to look at wedding rings instead.

Here's where my day went bad.

We were hungry so we went to the food court. I instantly scanned for the places I could eat. Subway was the only logical choice, but I simply refuse to pay $5 for a ham sandwich. We decided on a Panda Express knock off. I got veggie fried rice (C'mon!  It's rice! How bad can it be for you?!) and the bourbon chicken (not breaded, but there was still a glaze). I ate all the rice and maybe 1/3 of the chicken and instantly felt bloated. I felt sluggish and I swear my belly was protruding! 

By the time we got in the car (about 15 min later), I was feeling nauseous. There was a moment where I thought I was going to be sick in the car. 

When I got home and totaled up what I ate, it came to 20 points! (12 points for 1 1/2 c of veggie fried rice alone!) I already had 6 for breakfast, so that means I have 1 left for dinner. Great.

The morale of this story? Next time, pay for the damn $5 ham sandwich.

With the wind in my hair...

Day 4, and I am doing really well!  I'm not exceeding my points and I'm even managing to ration out my points so I can have a treat (my Dr. Pepper, man do I love that stuff!). I allow myself to have one can of Dr. Pepper after I come home from work (since I'm on my feet for at least 8 hours at the hospital, I don't feel bad about having it!). I even managed to pass up Fannie Mae Meltaways yesterday!  Once I learned they were 5 points for 5 pieces, and if I had it I would have to forgo my D.P. at home, I had no problems closing the box (after a long sniff... oh lordy they smell good!) and happily eating my yogurt!  :)  It's the little accomplishments that really keep me going!

This morning I had a lot on my mind, and I was just going in circles in my head and I could hear the whole box of cookies calling my name! I decided to take a walk and drop off rent and go for a run on the treadmill (since the gym is in the apartment leasing office). Then I remembered that my amazing fiance bought me a brand new mountain bike about 6 weeks ago and I have only ridden it once! After taking a few minutes to figure out how to reattach the quick release front tire, I hopped on and dropped off my rent and went for a 40 min ride. My mind started to focus only on making it to the crest of the next hill instead of the thoughts that were running rampant in there just 20 minutes earlier! My mantra became "skinny bride, skinny bride" etc... every time I was running out of steam.

I just got home, and feel great!  Granted, my leg muscles are twitching, but I've got the energy now to clean the house and take care of some other tasks that I didn't think I would have time for today!

And the best part is, the cookies are once again silent.

In The Beginning...

Three years ago, I was able to finally rid myself of excess weight, get into the habit of exercising daily and was finally happy with my weight and appearance.  I had dropped from 175 lbs to 151 lbs, and looked great! 

Fast forward to now. I have packed on the weight again, and then some. I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been, and am severely upset about this. I've been told that "fat girl" is a state of mind rather than a physical state. I wish this was my problem. I still think I am a size 8/10, and then I run across a mirror, and reality slaps me in the face. Hard.

Since becoming engaged this past February, my weight and appearance have been weighing (pun not intended) on me. I refuse to be the bride who stops eating 6 weeks before the wedding! I am graduating nursing school only 4 months before the wedding, and I have a LOT more to worry about during that time besides how big my ass is, and how flabby my arms are!

My 30th birthday is less than one month away, and I am horrified that I will be starting the next decade of my life like this. I look to my future for inspiration.

I will admit it, yes, I am vain and want to look like the models in the bridal magazines on my wedding day (or everyday for that matter). But you know what?  I want to look back at the wedding pictures and feel that beautiful and happy with my appearance ten years later.

Quick fixes don't work, and I know this. So, I marched my plus sized butt into a Weight Watchers meeting yesterday. It really is the only sane way to lose weight because it teaches you to make healthy choices for life, and it will conform to your life, so no more excuses! And I'm a girl who can make up some crazy excuses!

So far, I am not having difficulty staying within my points, but the planning can be a little bothersome. The best part about joining is that my sister and my mother are going back to WW, and several of the girls at work are on it, so I've got a fairly strong support system!

I hope to update more than once a week, but I can promise that I will at least update after every meeting with the following information:
1. Week number
2. Pounds lost this week
3. Pounds lost total
4. Current weight

Here goes:
1. June 3, 2010 - Week 1
2. 0 pounds lost this week
3. 0 pounds lost total
4. Current weight - 190.8

Wish me luck!