Wednesday, June 23, 2010

End of Week 3; Beginning of 3rd Decade

This was a tough week for me emotionally. I'm kinda freaked out about turning 30 on Friday. I wanted to get a new dress or something really cute to wear (shopping usually calms me down). I went to 5 different stores and tried on at least 30 dresses only to discover that I'm in an awkward stage; I'm in between sizes. The mediums were just a touch too small and the larges were like moo moos on me. I don't really care about the size (I can cut the tag off if it bothers me that much), but what I was getting frustrated at is that two items (capri jeans and a skirt), from the same manufacturer (Old Navy), in the same size (yeah, I'm not saying that number), were completely different fits!  The skirt was too big in the waist and too tight on the thighs (how in the hell does that happen!?  Who has a bigger waist than their thighs!?) and the capris wouldn't even come up over my hips! [insert confused Scooby Doo noise]

I came home, very frustrated to say the least. I calmed myself down by reminding myself that my body isn't the problem, it's the fucking manufacturers.  I can understand that the sizes differ from one designer to the next, but within the same company??  That is just ridiculous! 

I went out again yesterday, and tried on more dresses and clothes.  I wasn't terribly upset in the fitting room, but I made a very important discovery: paisley print + size D chest = BAD IDEA!  They were like freakin' amoebas on steroids!! 

I found a cute skirt, a pair of shorts and a couple tops.  I went to the bra department to treat myself to a new bra, and every freaking bra was a padded one that "maximizes your cleavage!"  Yeah, I don't need any help in that department, thank you. I asked the sales girls (skinny and flat chested) if there were any bras that weren't padded. Her response was "not really, I mean we have those big Bali's over there that aren't padded but those are for, like, really big boobs." [insert teeth grinding].

I didn't buy a new bra, but I bought the other clothes. When I came home, all excited (I'd mentally killed the Skinny Lingerie Idiot), I tried the clothes on and nearly cried, yet again. Aren't you supposed to look better in your own mirror without the fluorescent lighting? Everything I tried on again, that looked good 30 minutes ago, looked awful. I'm still not sure if that was my mind playing tricks on me or if it was reality, either way, I took the clothes off and marched straight to the fridge.

I found myself sinking into an old pattern, and was actually conscious of what I was doing! Fortunately, I don't have any really crappy, instant food in the house anymore, so I wasn't able to do too much damage. I was able to shut up the voice that told me to "go ahead and get some McDonald's, you'll feel better," and I called my sister, who is well versed in my meltdowns and knows how to handle me.

To make matters worse, when I was hanging up the clothes, I whacked my ankle on the bed frame really hard and it was swollen.  Great, now I'm in pain physically and emotionally.  Yipee.

I stayed home, no run for obvious reasons, and I made a healthy dinner and had my WW ice cream to cheer me up. I knew I had to weigh in today, so I made sure I didn't blow it. While I don't feel good exactly, I feel good about the choices I made yesterday, and the fact that I'm recognizing my emotional eating behaviors.

So for today's lucky numbers:
1. June 23, 2010 - start week 4
2. 1.2 pounds lost this week
3. 6.4 pounds lost total!
4. Current weight:  184.4

On a brighter note, my ankle feels better, and I'm off for a run!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

A Change in My Demeanor

I woke up this morning and realized that my thighs are still tight and my hamstrings are still very sore from the run the other day. I made my coffee and hobbled around the apartment resembling Quasimodo.

I thought, "well, I am in a fair amount of pain, and I'm supposed to work anyway tonight, so I guess as long as they don't call me and tell me not to come in, then I can skip the run today."

Then the phone rang.


I don't have to go into work.  

Double crap!

Now I have to go for a run.

A few weeks ago (ok, to be honest, just last week), I would have just told myself to give one more day to rest the muscles and then I'd go again tomorrow, or if not tomorrow, at least the next day I had off work. Today, I changed my behavior. Much to my chagrin, I went on the Dreadmill and did workout #2.

I'm pleased with myself. I still hurt though. Aaaah... The joy that is ibuprofen.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Did I just actually enjoy that?!

After some serious facebooking last night, a group of friends and I have decided to challenge ourselves and run a 5k at the end of the summer. I know that is only 3.something miles, and that I walk more than that during one shift at work, but still...  I'm not a runner. I've never been a runner. Runners actually confuse me.

But secretly, I've always wanted to be one.

I've been reading up on the Couch to 5k training program, and it doesn't seem that bad!  And now that we are actually looking for a 5k and some good friends are doing the program too, I decided to go for it.  Today's run was a 5 min warm up then alternating 60sec run with 90 sec walk for 20 min, then a 5 min cool down.

Holy crap!  I haven't sweat that much since I was still dancing!  I kept an even paced breath so as not to fall over, fly off the treadmill and lay on the floor gasping for oxygen. One thing keeping me going was the thought that while they weren't with me, a bunch of my friends are doing the exact same thing I am!

At about min 19, it was almost time to switch back to running, and I noticed I was feeling woozy. I had to hold on to the handrails because I seriously thought I was going to fall. 20 minutes hit and it was time to run again. I told myself I was not giving up and starting running. The dizziness faded fast and i found myself SMILING!!  WTF?!  I got this burst of endorphins and breezed through the last 5 minutes! Was that the famed Runner's High?  Not ever having one, I don't know. But since I was not really out of breath or even panting, I can only assume it wasn't oxygen deprivation...

My legs were a little wobbly on the walk home from the gym, but it wasn't that bad.  I had no problem resuming my normal respiration rate and my heart didn't feel like it was on it's last legs.

Here's the funny part: not only did I want to do more than 30 minutes, but I'm actually looking forward to going back on Saturday for Round 2!

I have no idea who this runner inside me is, but I'm pretty glad she's decided to join the party!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Weekly Update!

After a rather emotional week, full of ups, downs, and a free candy bar, I had to go and weigh in.

Normally when I weigh in, I'm in scrubs on my way to work; today I'm wearing jeans. I slept at my parents house last night and I was not going to be home before the weigh in, so I stole a pair of my mom's pj pants. I changed in the bathroom at WW and the ladies and I had a really good laugh and me, in a hot pink shirt with lavender pants with purple and navy stripes!  I said "I'm not stepping on that scale and have my pants throw off my weight!" 

So here they are, your weekly numbers and my small victories:

1. June 16, 2010 - start week 3
2. 1.8 pounds lost this week
3. 5.2 pounds lost total!
4. Current weight:  185.6
*added bonus this week: I fit into a size M tee shirt!

Who knew that actually dealing with your emotions instead of climbing into the fridge, actually works?!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I'm starting to feel better, but I'm still hungry...

The last couple days have been hard; not only did I have an emotional tailspin on Wednesday (which I totally recovered from the next morning) but I have been so sick these last two days. To put it politely, every time I ingested something, it almost immediately came out. I don't think I've eaten anything that would upset me, but K's been having stomach issues too, so it's probably just a bug. But man, does it suck.

I've been trying to eat (a lot) because I'm hungry! I'm having stomach pains when I eat, and when I don't eat too!  Yay.

Nevertheless, I'm staying within my points, and trying to eat and just sleep it off.  I feel bad because I was incredibly grumpy at work today (it's hard to be happy when your hurting and hungry), but I survived, and they let me go early!  I came home, ate my dinner and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

It's times like this, I smile and think of the line from The Devil Wears Prada: "I'm only one good stomach bug away from my goal weight!"

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Hard to break the cycle...

While yesterday started off really good, it took a bad turn later in the day. I saw some very recent pictures of me, and I was horrified. All I can see is how huge I look in every picture. I tried to focus on my face, hoping to at least like some of the pictures, but all that did was make me realize how fat my face it. All I see is a double chin, flabby arms and a big stomach.

And what did I do?  I immediately walked from the computer to the fridge. I talked myself into eating to make me feel better. Oddly, my sister and I were just talking about that during the afternoon; about how we both turn to food for comfort and that is the hardest part of losing weight and keeping it off. I need to find a better way to handle this. As I was eating the giant bagel, I kept thinking I shouldn't be eating this, I should go for a walk to clear my head. One part of me was saying "if you don't like how you look in those pics, then exercise so you won't look like that anymore" while another part was saying "just go ahead and eat, it'll make you feel better."

And the eating did not stop. I was feeling sick to my stomach, but I kept eating because I was hoping that at some point, it would make me feel better. All it did was upset me further and distend my stomach. At least I had the sense not to go to the grocery store while that upset.
Alas, today is another day, and another chance to make better choices. 

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Results Are In!

As promised, I would write after each weigh in! 

The results:

1. June 9, 2010 - start week 2
2. 3.4 pounds lost this week!
3. 3.4 pounds lost total
4. Current weight:  187.4

Woohoo!!  Feelin' pretty good!  Now, what do I have for lunch...?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

If you throw it up, do you get the points back?

I think the reason I have been able to happily stay within my point range is because I've been working. Yesterday was my first day off since re-joining WW, and it was a bit tricky, but I was able to do great!  I just had to find things to do to keep me busy and to keep me away from the fridge! 

Late last night, I realized that I was actually looking and feeling slimmer, even though I know I cannot possibly have lost that much weight. Even the hubby agreed that my stomach just seemed flatter!  Weird! 

This morning I felt great, had my usual cheerios and coffee (not together, of course), and made my lunch for work. About 10 min before I was to leave for work, they called and I was not needed, so I got the night off.  We decided to go to the pool instead. By the time we got changed and were literally walking out the door, the sky opened up. Oh well. We went to the mall to look at wedding rings instead.

Here's where my day went bad.

We were hungry so we went to the food court. I instantly scanned for the places I could eat. Subway was the only logical choice, but I simply refuse to pay $5 for a ham sandwich. We decided on a Panda Express knock off. I got veggie fried rice (C'mon!  It's rice! How bad can it be for you?!) and the bourbon chicken (not breaded, but there was still a glaze). I ate all the rice and maybe 1/3 of the chicken and instantly felt bloated. I felt sluggish and I swear my belly was protruding! 

By the time we got in the car (about 15 min later), I was feeling nauseous. There was a moment where I thought I was going to be sick in the car. 

When I got home and totaled up what I ate, it came to 20 points! (12 points for 1 1/2 c of veggie fried rice alone!) I already had 6 for breakfast, so that means I have 1 left for dinner. Great.

The morale of this story? Next time, pay for the damn $5 ham sandwich.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

With the wind in my hair...

Day 4, and I am doing really well!  I'm not exceeding my points and I'm even managing to ration out my points so I can have a treat (my Dr. Pepper, man do I love that stuff!). I allow myself to have one can of Dr. Pepper after I come home from work (since I'm on my feet for at least 8 hours at the hospital, I don't feel bad about having it!). I even managed to pass up Fannie Mae Meltaways yesterday!  Once I learned they were 5 points for 5 pieces, and if I had it I would have to forgo my D.P. at home, I had no problems closing the box (after a long sniff... oh lordy they smell good!) and happily eating my yogurt!  :)  It's the little accomplishments that really keep me going!

This morning I had a lot on my mind, and I was just going in circles in my head and I could hear the whole box of cookies calling my name! I decided to take a walk and drop off rent and go for a run on the treadmill (since the gym is in the apartment leasing office). Then I remembered that my amazing fiance bought me a brand new mountain bike about 6 weeks ago and I have only ridden it once! After taking a few minutes to figure out how to reattach the quick release front tire, I hopped on and dropped off my rent and went for a 40 min ride. My mind started to focus only on making it to the crest of the next hill instead of the thoughts that were running rampant in there just 20 minutes earlier! My mantra became "skinny bride, skinny bride" etc... every time I was running out of steam.

I just got home, and feel great!  Granted, my leg muscles are twitching, but I've got the energy now to clean the house and take care of some other tasks that I didn't think I would have time for today!

And the best part is, the cookies are once again silent.

Friday, June 4, 2010

In The Beginning...

Three years ago, I was able to finally rid myself of excess weight, get into the habit of exercising daily and was finally happy with my weight and appearance.  I had dropped from 175 lbs to 151 lbs, and looked great! 

Fast forward to now. I have packed on the weight again, and then some. I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been, and am severely upset about this. I've been told that "fat girl" is a state of mind rather than a physical state. I wish this was my problem. I still think I am a size 8/10, and then I run across a mirror, and reality slaps me in the face. Hard.

Since becoming engaged this past February, my weight and appearance have been weighing (pun not intended) on me. I refuse to be the bride who stops eating 6 weeks before the wedding! I am graduating nursing school only 4 months before the wedding, and I have a LOT more to worry about during that time besides how big my ass is, and how flabby my arms are!

My 30th birthday is less than one month away, and I am horrified that I will be starting the next decade of my life like this. I look to my future for inspiration.

I will admit it, yes, I am vain and want to look like the models in the bridal magazines on my wedding day (or everyday for that matter). But you know what?  I want to look back at the wedding pictures and feel that beautiful and happy with my appearance ten years later.

Quick fixes don't work, and I know this. So, I marched my plus sized butt into a Weight Watchers meeting yesterday. It really is the only sane way to lose weight because it teaches you to make healthy choices for life, and it will conform to your life, so no more excuses! And I'm a girl who can make up some crazy excuses!

So far, I am not having difficulty staying within my points, but the planning can be a little bothersome. The best part about joining is that my sister and my mother are going back to WW, and several of the girls at work are on it, so I've got a fairly strong support system!

I hope to update more than once a week, but I can promise that I will at least update after every meeting with the following information:
1. Week number
2. Pounds lost this week
3. Pounds lost total
4. Current weight

Here goes:
1. June 3, 2010 - Week 1
2. 0 pounds lost this week
3. 0 pounds lost total
4. Current weight - 190.8

Wish me luck!